Sirius Black, the Time Warp, and the Oregon Trail
by Evil Yellow Day Moon
Summary: When an accident lands Sirius, James, Lily, Peter, and Remus in 19th centuary America, chaos ensues. Sing-a-longs, new religions, fandangos, cow-tipping, and much more await them on their journey to find a way back home.
1. The Chapter in which Sirius does the Tim...

Title: Sirius Black, the Time Warp, and the Oregon Trail

Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling and the Oregon Trail game belongs to MECC. 

Author's note: I'm BAAAACCKKK! Didja miss me? Well, I'm revising this lovely piece of utter chaos for grammar/spelling errors, slight plot changes, possible new chapters, and PETER! Aww, c'mon! Don't leave! It's Student!Peter! He's cool…and not evil. It'll still be nifty neato. Trust me.

            Hobey-ho! Dimloep Suum be praised!

                        ~Amanda

Chapter 1

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that History of Magic was easily the most boring subject at Hogwarts School of Witch craft and Wizardry.

Professor Binns would drone on for what seemed like hours in his monotone voice, never noticing the dozing students, notes being passed, or the countless paper airplanes that soared around the classroom.

James Potter was daydreaming about Quidditch, when a wad of paper collided with his head, bringing him back to reality with an unpleasant jolt. He picked up the paper, unfolded it and read the note, written in Sirius's handwriting.

_Welcome back to the living Jamsie. _

James smirked and quickly scribbled a reply. He crumpled the paper into a ball and tossed across the room to Sirius, aiming for his head. James missed his target. Instead the paper ball landed in Sirius's opened History of Magic book. Sirius flashed James a grin and read.

_I wasn't dead you know._

_Could have fooled me._

_Shut up Sirius._

_I didn't say anything._

_You know what I mean._

_No, I'm afraid I don't know._

_Come on._

_No. I don't wanna! _

_You're impossible._

_No, I'm Sirius, actually._

_Shut up, Sirius (don't take that literally)_

_Aww, you never let me have any fun._

_Yes I do._

_            Hey James, how do you get a song out of you're head?_

_That was a random change of topic. _

_I try to be spontaneous. Can we get back to the problem at hand, James? What do I about this blasted song?_

_Is this a trick question?_

_No. I keep hearing this song over, and, over, and over again. It's annoying the hell out of me._

_Just ignore the voices in your head Sirius._

_I am not schizophrenic. Paranoid? Yes. Schizophrenic? Never._

_Well, try thinking of something else then._

_I tried that already._

Sirius passed the paper back. In one deft move, Lily snatched the note in mid-air. She rolled her eyes at James and Sirius. Then she wrote a message ant threw it back to Sirius. 

_ What song is it?_

_ Does it really matter?_

_ I was just asking._

_ It's "Time Warp" from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ if you_ must_ know._

Sirius passed the note to James, who passed it to along to Remus, who paused in his note taking to read. Remus had to put bite his lip to stifle a laugh. He joined in their "conversation". He jotted down a message and passed the note to Sirius.

_ A good way to cure yourself of a song in your head is to sing it out loud. _

_ No way Remus!_

_            Do it!_

_            No!_

Sensing an oncoming fight, Lily caught the paper (being thrown with increasing force).

_            Let Peter decide then. He's an innocent, disinterested, impartial bystander._

Sirius tapped Peter on the shoulder, prodding him awake. After a quick analysis of the situation, he scribbled his vote.

            _Let's hear it Sirius! _

_            Overruled due to the possibility of overwhelming humiliation that would result from History of Magic Karaoke. _

_I dare you!_

Sirius never turned down a dare. That's usually why he was always in trouble. He grinned at Remus, who looked quite proud of his little trick, then got up and cleared his throat. After a shaky start, he wasn't bad. Actually, once he got into it, the entire class was joining in the fun. When he finished the song everyone cheered. Suddenly, there was a flash of a bright white light. 

            Sirius, James, Remus, Peter, and Lily were gone.

            And no one cared.

            Or noticed.

            Except the people who disappeared.

            Yeah…them. 

            They cared.

            They cared a great deal.

Why did they care you ask? Well, after another flash, they appeared in a little town. Everywhere there were large covered wagons drawn by oxen. People in the strangest clothing walked the streets and went in and out of shops. It was Sirius who voiced what everyone else was thinking.

"WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE WE!"

Lily tapped his shoulder. She pointed to a large wooden sign that read:

Independence, Missouri

Est. 1821


	2. The Chapter in which oxen are eaten

"Okay, I know things look bad-" began Sirius.

"That's the understatement of the year." muttered James.

"Hush up, James. As I was saying, things look pretty bad right now, but I'm guessing there's a way out of here." said Sirius.

"How do you know?" said Lily, a hint of resentment in her voice.

"I don't know, I just guess." said Sirius.

"Okay, so our first priority is getting home, right?" said James

"Wrong, James." replied Remus. The others all had puzzled expressions on their faces. "Let me explain. These people, Muggles I suppose, are going to notice us sooner or later. We kind of stand out."

No sooner had the words left his mouth than a man walked up behind them. He was a tall man with a shaggy brown beard. His clothes were made of brown leather and he wore a cap, made from a dead racoon, and smelled like a mixture of smoke and a sewage plant. Lovely.

"You decided what kind of draft animals you gonna use to pull your wagon? Well, you can pick oxen, mules or horses. There's advantages and disadvantages to each." Said the stranger.

"What are you talking about?" said Sirius warily, while the others stared in wild-eyed wonder. The stranger had attracted the attention of the rest of the class.

"Oxen are cheap and strong but prone to sickness-"

"Kind of sounds like Peter, 'cept he isn't strong." said James. Peter grew sullen.

The man acted as though he didn't hear James's comment. "Mules cost more, but they're less likely to get sick. They can be stubborn too."

"Just like Sirius." said Remus. Sirius glared at Remus.

"Horses are faster, but weaker. The other downside is they cost a lot, require feed grain, and are prone to thieves." The man his speech on draft animals.

"Just like-" started Sirius.

"Will you guys stop comparing each other to draft animals." said an exasperated Lily.

"Thanks a lot. I think we'll be going now." said Sirius moving away from the man slowly.

"Well, since you asked-"

"We didn't ask you anything!" screamed Lily, but the man ranted on, unfazed by Lily's agitated cry. 

"I'd go with oxen. The price is right, and you can't beat them for strength. They ain't too bright, but they're good old beasts. Besides if you get into real dire straits, you can always eat them."

"Ewwwwww!"

"So long then." said Remus, silently praying that the man with the draft animal fetish wouldn't keep talking. Surprisingly (and to everyone's great relief) the smelly, oxen-loving psychopath walked off down the dusty, dirt road.

"What the hell was that?" said Peter, looking extremely put off.

Remus continued to watch the figure, growing smaller in the distance. "Mountain man I suppose."

"A crazed mountain man who could recommend the best sauces and side dishes for ox meat. That's just…unnatural." said James. 

"Teriyaki sauce, wild brown rice, and asparagus." 

Everyone glanced at Sirius.

"You've got to be kidding me." Lily said, dumbfounded.


	3. The Chapter where Sirius pines for Goldf...

"Okkkayyy… that was really weird." said Sirius, watching Bob, making sure he was gone for good

"You can say that again." James sighed.

"Okkkayyy… that was really weird."

James rolled his eyes "I didn't mean for you to take that literally."

Sirius, who felt like being a little smart ass, grinned. "Then why'd you say it?"

"C'mon Sirius, be serious." Lily moaned. She clasped her hand on her mouth, instantly regretting her poor choice of words.

"But I am-." said Sirius.

Lily silenced Sirius with a well-placed kick in the leg. Sirius dropped to the ground. He clutched his injured limb, shouting "Violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!"

Sirius withered on the ground, whimpering. Remus tapped his shoulder.

"Do you mind if we get back to finding a way out of here?" he asked.

"Not at all Remus old pal." Sirius said jovially, forgetting his "pain" instantly.

Peter waved his hand in the air. "Can we sit down please?"

"Absolutely corking idea." said Sirius. He decided that he would be extremely energetic, just to see how long it would take Lily to get fed up with him. They found a large oak tree and proceeded to sit…and sit they did.

"Alright everybody. Any suggestions, grievances, or questions." asked Remus. 

Really big mistake.

"I'm hungry!"

"I have a rock in my shoe!"

"Is the sky blue because it reflects the ocean or is the ocean blue because it reflects the sky?"

With a sharp whistle, Lily restored order. 

"Peter, were going to get food soon. James, take off your shoe and empty it out. Sirius, stop being an idiot."

They took up a collection to buy supplies. A few Knuts were offered with a Sickle thrown in. Lily was a bit disappointed, but they would have to make due. She scooped up the coins and stood up. Lily set off in search of a bank where they could exchange their money, the boys running after her.

It didn't take long to find the bank. A sign above the doorway read: "BANK OF INDEPENDENCE." Dead give away if you ask me. They walked in. People were passing money to the tellers sitting behind iron bars.

"Why are they caged in? Are they dangerous or something?" asked Remus his body shaking slightly.

"I don't know," whispered James.

Suddenly a voice called for the next person to come up. When no one else went up Lily, and the other three walked up. Sitting on the other side of the "cage" was a little old man with thinning white hair. 

"Umm…is there anyway we can exchange this for American money sir?" inquired Lily

"Let's see." said the old man. Lily handed him what little money they had. The teller turned the bronze coins over in his wrinkled hand, muttering under his breath.

" I can't give ya much. Now if ya had some gold then I could give ya'll enough to head out on the trail." said the old man.

Lily turned to her companions. James and Sirius gazed down at there shoes, as if fascinated by them.

"C'mon you two. Cough it up." Said Lily, glaring at the boys.

Their heads shot up, their eyes wide. Remus stood there; he had no idea what was going on. James fussed with something around his neck and Sirius hid his right hand inside his robes.

"Do you want us to starve? muttered Lily. Remus concluded that his friends had something Lily desperately wanted.

"Lily, what do you want from them?" said Remus, utterly bewildered.

"Exactly what the man asked for; gold or, in Sirius's case, silver. I want them to give me their jewelry." Replied Lily

"You g-g-guys w-wear j-j-jewelry?" said Peter, trying to stifle his laughter.

"I just have a ring. It's a family heirloom. James on the other hand…" said Sirius, his dark eyes focusing on James.

"Don't tell him Sirius. For the love of God, please don't tell him." James pleaded.

His words fell on deaf ears. Sirius was shaking with silent laughter. "James, on the other hand, wears jewelry like bloody Mr. T!" 

James felt himself blushing. Lily and Remus were silent for a moment, before bursting into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

"I'm sorry," gasped Lily, "If I had held that in any longer my teeth would have exploded!"

Scowling, James reached down the front of his robes. He pulled off a thick, gold, chain and slammed it on the counter.

The elderly teller looked quite impressed. He carefully examined James's chain. The man took it and disappeared through a door behind him. He reemerged ten minutes later, in his arms a small, burlap bag.

"I think that 'bout covers it. Thank ya'll fer doin' business with us." he said, handing the bag to Lily. As they left he waved energetically, calling " Ya'll come back now, ya here!"

They exited the bank, squinting from the sunlight. Lily opened the bag. Inside were several small wads of bills.

"How much did we have?" asked James. He was eager to see how much his beloved chain fetched.

Sirius stared at the money. He had never seen anything quite like it. He ran his fingers over the paper money.

"How should I know." said Sirius, who had a look of confusion on his face. "Doesn't look like the Muggle money back home."

'I'll count it." said James, "I take Muggle Studies."

"I wanna try." whined Remus, just to be annoying.

"Me count! Me count!" shouted Sirius. He started jumping up and down singing; "Here's a jingle for Goldfish. Wrote a song for Goldfish. The wholesome snack that smiles back, until you bite their heads off! 

"I'm about to make a Solomon-like decision. I'll cut Sirius in half, ignore you two and count it myself." said Lily.

Remus, James and Sirius (who had sung the _entire_ Goldfish jingle) watched Lily intently. She was muttering nonstop under her breath.

"Is Lily trying to count the money or curse it?" asked James. Peter and Sirius shrugged, unsure of their friend's intentions. 

"Holy tube socks of Batman!" Lily blurted.

"WHAT?" the boys shouted

"You must have really impressed him. He gave us seven thousand dollars!"

"He's probably senile." said Peter, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Senile or not that man just saved our butts." said James.

"C'mon guys. Our dinner awaits." said James, tugging on Remus's robe.

Sirius dropped to his knees. He let out a noise like a wounded dog. The others, who had turned to leave, whipped around.

"NOOOOOO! Not without my love!

"What the hell?" exclaimed James.

Lily and Remus attempted to lift Sirius. Sirius began thrashing about like a crazed halibut. James grabbed Sirius, trying to get him to stand up, but he was fighting too hard.

"Tim! My love, I'm coming! Hold on my sweet!" yelled Sirius.

The others managed to bring Sirius to his feet. He was still struggling to get to the old banker. They started pulling their crazed friend away from the bank.

"This. Is. Not. What. I. Planned. To. Do. Today." James grunted. 

"If it's any consolation, traveling to nineteenth century America wasn't high on my list of things to do today," said Remus through gritted teeth.


	4. The Chapter where we meet Ralph, the man...

 "We got everythin' we need to have ourselves a real wing-ding tonight." said Sirius proudly.  After a successful shopping trip they were now properly attired. They made their way down the main street in search of a warm meal.

"Hey, what say you we have ourselves a wing-ding tonight?"

Five heads whipped around to see who was speaking to them. This time it was a man in a light blue shirt and black pants. Another local. Fun.

"The fashion police should have arrested him for eye-slaughter." muttered Lily. 

"It's been a good long time since we've had a regular fandango." said the stranger.

"Did anyone understand a single word he said?" whispered Remus. Everyone shook their heads. 

James was curious to what exactly a "fandango" was. "Tell me more." He said to the party-loving man. Lily, Sirius, and Remus glared at him for "provoking" the man.

"You know what they say: All work and know play makes Jack a dull boy."

"What does that have to do with fandangos, whatever they are." asked James, raising his eyebrows.

Sirius hit himself in the head. "I always thought it was "All work and no play makes Remus a dull boy. Silly me." Remus glared.

"And we sure have been workin' hard out n the trail, haven't we?"

"I wouldn't really know." said Lily, slowly backing away from the man.

"We should take it easy more, enjoy ourselves!"

"I like his style." said Sirius, nodding. He glanced at Remus, who was still seething with rage. "I was kidding, Remus. I was only kidding."

"I'm going to go and see some of the others and see if they don't feel the same way."

"You go do that Ralph. We'll just stay right here." Lily said nervously. The fashion impaired party man left them alone.

"Ralph?" asked Remus, who had temporarily forgotten Sirius's insult.

"Yeah. He reminded me of one of my sister's old boyfriends. He came over once dressed like that. Petunia dumped him the next day, needless to say."

"Poor guy." muttered James.

"Yeah" Remus said.

Sirius stood at attention. "Ralph, a man who loved to party too much, a man who looked as though he got dressed in a dark closet. We salute you Ralph. Perhaps we'll meet again in that great big department store in the sky."


	5. The Chapter with Singalongs with Sirius

They dined that evening at Independence's most fashionable restaurant. Okay, maybe not that fashionable, but they did have food and all things considered they were as happy as could be.  
  
Three gunshots were fired in the Killjoy Saloon. A man sauntered in with a pistol in one hand and cheap whiskey on his breath. He was the stereotypical western outlaw-- ya know, wide brimmed hat, chaps, a gun holster. Everyone hid under the tables.  
  
Except for Sirius.  
  
Of course, he was too busy enjoying his sirloin steak to notice that some John Wayne movie extra who'd had a few drinks to many had entered. It was so well prepared, perfectly cooked, not too rare, not well done. Sirius had never tasted anything quite like it and he wasn't about to let his good fortune be ruined by some pantywaist, Lone Ranger wannabe.  
  
The drunken cowboy noticed one patron of the saloon. The boy had steak and it looked good. He walked over to Sirius, stared at the steak, and then at Sirius, grinning, revealing several yellow, chipped teeth.  
  
"Boy, this here steak ain't big enough fer the two of us."  
  
"Well, the two of us won't be eating it. Bugger off."  
  
The drunken cowboy was speechless. The boy talked funny. And he wore a gray sweater vest and black robes, with a little lion on it.  
  
"You talk funny. Where you from where ya talk and dress so funny?"  
  
Sirius was taken a back. Whenever he had a nice dinner it always interrupted by drunken people harassing him. He was going to have a bit of fun with this man though.  
  
"I am Sirius Orion Black, I come from Sclopenduberhogan . I am the leader of the Society of Pink Ponies and Yellow Smiling Marmosets Who Prance Through the Fields of Joyous Tulips. I've come here with my followers, who I shall lead westward to the magical land of Idaho, where we shall set up our commune, which shall be called Fort Buttercup. There, we shall prance around in fields of joyous tulips with pink ponies and yellow smiling marmosets. PRAISE BE TO DIMLOEP-SUUM, THE GOD OF POTATOES, WHO WILL LEAD US TO OUR HOME AT LAST! WE SHALL FOLLOW THE SIGN HE HAS GIVEN US—THE GLOWING PILAR OF HONEY BARBEQUE CHICKEN WINGS!"  
  
Our inebriate outlaw was very disturbed by this and suddenly felt uncomfortable around the boy. He only wanted to high tail it out of there. "Al-alright, I jus be movin on then."  
  
"May Dimloep-Suum smile down on you in good favor and give you reign over the fruit bats and happy laughing gerbils. Go in peace Junke Trunn, meaning, " how now brown cow" in our ancient language of Frenty-Putter." Sirius stood up and bowed deeply, screwing up his face. The man ran screaming from the Killjoy Saloon. The smashed menace was no more.  
  
Everyone came out from under the tables. The citizens of Independence were frightened and confused. The Gryffindors on the other hand were laughing hysterically. Lily, James and Remus came over to him.  
  
"I can't believe you actually did that." said Lily  
  
"That was the creative thing I've ever seen Siri." remarked Remus  
  
"That's my boy, taught him everything he knows." said James grabbing Sirius's shoulder.  
  
Dinner went on as usual. Sirius enjoyed the rest of his steak. There was just one more problem. Where the hell were they going to sleep?  
  
"Hey guys, where the hell are we going to sleep?" asked James.  
  
"That's a good question." Remus said.  
  
"There's a hotel across the road." Lily told them.  
  
The Gryffindors journeyed over to said hotel. There were no vacancies. Apparently Dimloep-Suum was not smiling down favorably on them. They would have to camp out. There was a nice field outside of town. Lily conjured up sleeping bags for them.  
  
"Sure," Sirius grumbled as they got into their sleeping bags, " You can conjure up sleeping bags but can't get us out of here."  
  
"Shut up Sirius." Lily snapped.  
  
"Hey, lets put aside our petty differences. Let's try to keep our tones lighthearted." whispered Remus.  
  
"How about a Sing-A-Long?" suggested Sirius?  
  
"That's not what I…"  
  
"HEY EVERYBODY WERE GOING TO HAVE SING-A-LONGS WITH SIRIUS!" shouted James.  
  
"Thanks Jamsie." said Sirius.  
  
"Don't mention it."  
  
"What song first?"  
  
"Margaritaville!" proclaimed Sirius  
  
They all sat in a circle around a bonfire. Those who didn't know the words hummed the tune for the rest.  
  
_Nibblin' on sponge cake,  
watchin' the sun bake;  
All of those tourists covered with oil.  
Strummin' my six string on my front porch swing.  
Smell those shrimp--  
They're beginnin' to boil.  
"Mmm...Shrimp…"said Remus, his mouth starting to water.  
Wasted away again in Margaritaville,  
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.  
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,  
But I know it's nobody's fault.  
Don't know the reason,  
Stayed here all season  
With nothing to show but this brand new tatoo.  
But it's a real beauty,  
A Mexican cutie, how it got here  
I haven't a clue._  
  
"I want a tatoo." said Sirius, margarita dripping down his chin.  
  
"Of what?" asked James.  
  
"A big black dog, like my name."  
  
"Cool!" said Remus.  
  
_Wasted away again in Margaritaville,  
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.  
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,  
Now I think,-- hell it could be my fault.  
They all started swaying to the beat and they raised their glasses.  
I blew out my flip flop,  
Stepped on a pop top;  
Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home.  
But there's booze in the blender,  
And soon it will render  
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on.  
Wasted away again in Margaritaville  
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.  
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,  
But I know, it's my own damn fault.  
Yes, and some people claim that there's a woman to blame,  
And I know it's my own damn fault._  
  
"Hey, maybe it is my own damn fault." said Sirius. "Nawww…couldn't be."  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. The Chapter about the morning after

Remus groaned and rolled over. He regretted it. His head ached as though a cartoon had dropped an anvil on his head. Spying the empty margarita glasses strewn about the field Remus strung the two together.  
  
"Ohhhh…yeah."  
  
The otherss were beginning to stir, with, of course, one exception…Sirius.  
  
It wasn't the fact that he wasn't awake yet that caused concern. Sirius was famous in the Tower for being a deep sleeper and always sleeping in late. But, he wasn't moving much at all. Lily, Remus, and James gathered around the comatose teen.  
  
James prodded Sirius' still form with a stick, thoroughly upset. "Is he alive?"  
  
Lily found a pulse in Sirius's right arm. "Yeah, he is. How much did he have to drink last night?"  
  
Remus raised an eyebrow at James. They both knew he had had more than he should have. But they weren't about to admit it to Lily. She was liable to take Sirius's head off, that is, if he ever awoke.  
  
"Just one or two margarita's Lily. That's it. He's not a drunkard after all."  
  
"Well, he will be. He could give Grantaire a run for his money in a drinking competition."  
  
"Who?" asked James.  
  
"He's this dirty drunken revolutionary in Les Miserables by Victor Hugo." Remus explained.  
  
James still looked confused. "Isn't that the musical where the miserable poor people have a revolution?"  
  
Lily smacked her forehead. "That's why it's called Les Miserables, meaning The Miserable in French James. And yes it takes place in France."  
  
"They have a drunken revolutionary? With a gun?"  
  
"You kind of need a gun to fight other people with guns James."  
  
"Do we have a gun?"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
Remus's light bulb went off. "We can dress him up like Grantaire then."  
  
"It's the wrong time period Remus, and we'd probably need more people."  
  
"We could all dress up too. We could even build a barricade, out of empty chairs and empty tables."  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. James, not understanding, started to grin. "No Remus, I have a better idea…"  
  
  
  
Sirius woke up mid afternoon that day. Unseen by anyone a little cartoon Sirius dropped a big cartoon anvil labeled "Tequila" and dropped it on his real life counterpart's head.  
  
He let out a groan, managed to get off the ground. His classmates had abandoned the field Sirius affectionately called "The camp of Dimeloep- Suum ". He headed into town hoping to find them.  
  
Women screamed and shielded their children's eyes and hurried away. Men whistled as he passed. Sirius didn't quite understand why they were acting more peculiar than usual. His long black hair flew out behind him as he walked along.  
  
"Harlot! Harlot!"  
  
Sirius whipped around. Several official looking men were heading across the town square toward him and they looked pissed off! He ran off in the opposite direction, along alleyways, across roads, and past storefront windows. While rushing past Dunlap's Clothing Emporium he caught a glimpse of himself.  
  
"OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU DO WITH MY CLOTHES!"  
  
Sirius's shirt had been replaced with a red tank top. His pants had been transfigured into a black leather mini skirt and fish net tights. Lipstick, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara and blush had been applied. Sirius's leather boots were now spiked heeled, leopard print, knee-high boots. With his long hair hanging down he, Sirius Orion Black, heir of the Noble and most Ancient House of Black, greatly resembled a woman…  
  
And a damn ugly woman too.

Sirius heard a chortling behind him. He whipped around, his giant, silver, hoop earrings flashing in the sun. His friends were rubbing their sides and wiping away tears of laughter. Apparently they found his predicament amusing. Well, _he_ didn't and that's what mattered. He stormed over to them and his mood softened. Sirius could tell that his dress was just temporary relief from their predicament. Maybe it was the sight of his friends having such a good time, maybe it was the leather miniskirt but Sirius felt comfortable and decided to play along. 

Sirius adopted a "sexy, biker chick" demeanor. Sauntering over to Remus Sirius licked his lips suggestively and began to chew an imaginary piece of gum. Needless to say Remus was a bit bothered and slightly bewildered by his friends' behavior, but when Sirius raised an eyebrow, Remus took it as an invitation to join the charade. 

"Hey Remus, my little piece of ass." Sirius said, his voice silky.

Remus knew exactly how to act. _Just act like Sirius on a normal day_. 

"Hey baby." He grabbed Sirius around his waist and pretended to grab his friends ass. It was so realistic that a cry of "Ewww!" was in order.

"Ewww!"

Remus leapt into Sirius' arms and covered their faces, making noises that suggested that a short "make-out" session. Another cry of "Ewww!" was uttered by the on looking crowd. Sirius set Remus down. He tossed his head in the direction of a wagon that had six oxen that were to pull it.

"C'mon my little sweet ass, let's ride."

Remus got on top of a poor, unsuspecting ox. He helped Sirius, then he literally grabbed the bull by the horns and made motorcycle noises. 

"Awww."

Lily approached the befuddled bovine. 

"I hope this taught you to never drink again until you're legal Sirius."

Sirius crossed his fingers behind his back. "I won't."

"Swear to me that you won't and I'll get your clothes back. You promise to behave?" 

Raising his right hand over his heart and holding his left arm up. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." Sirius said with a smile.

" 'I solemnly sweat that I am up to no good'. Has a nice ring to it." James said. He lifted his hand to his mouth as though he was holding something. "Note to self: Remember Sirius's catchy little motto thing for later use on Professor McGonagall."

"James, who are you talking to?" asked Lily, genuinely concerned. Perhaps the hot weather was getting to him.

Sirius hopped off the ox and Remus followed suit. "He's talking to the voices in his head Lily. James is schizophrenic and Remus in paranoid."

James made his eyes wide and began to shake with nervous laughter. "You're all just jealous 'cause the voices talk to me!"

Remus began to wring his hands and his eyes darted from face to face. "I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me."

"Don't you have any problems Sirius?" Lily asked.

"I see dead people," said Sirius in a dead whisper, "Make them go away."

Lily rolled her eyes and focused he attention to the "motorcycle" moo-cow She put a loving arm around it. "Did the mean transvestite and werewolf scare you Jolly?" she whispered.

The boys, their various mental diseases forgotten the moment they heard Lily call the ox 'Jolly'

"Jolly? You named that thing Jolly?". James was agog.

"There is no creature on God's green earth that is less deserving of its name." said Sirius, who was aghast.

A large fake cough came from Peter. "You."

"That's the most foul tempered bovine yeh ever laid eyes upon. So if yeh do doubt yer courage than come neh further fer death awaits you all with nasty big, pointy teeth." Sirius yelled, his faked Scottish accent loud and thick.

"Well, they _are_ our oxen and we get to name them." pronounced Lily. "James which ox do you want?"

James carefully selected one of the lead oxen. "His name is…Harry."

"James, I hate to burst your bubble, but the ox is female." Remus pointed out.

James looked and flushed when he realized his mistake. "So it is. Then _her _name will be…Harriet."

"So creative," Remus said with a hint of sarcasm. James glared. Remus selected the male in front of 'Jolly' "Your name is Greg. Nice and simple"

Sirius rubbed his hands together eagerly. He selected the male next to 'Harriet'. He chose the name… 

  
  
  



	7. The Chapter where oxen are named

"…Patsy."

James' mouth was agape. Lily stared on in disbelief. Remus tried several attempts to say something but failed miserably. The best he could do was open his mouth, make a small sound and quickly clothes his mouth again. 

_Patsy_? Sirius had actually named the largest, meanest, and smelliest bull and named it Patsy. What the hell kind of name was Patsy.

"What the hell kind if name is Patsy?" Remus blurted out.

Sirius narrowed his eyes narrowly. "You have a problem with Patsy?"

"No." said Remus sheepishly.

"Alrighty then." said Sirius rubbing his hands together eagerly, "Where are we going?"

Lily waved her wand and transformed Sirius's clothes back (she just forgot about it I guess). "Were off to Fort Ibitha in Idaho. It's an all-wizarding settlement, the first in the western United States."

"Are we all gathered? Remus, take roll." said James puffing out his chest importantly.

"Yes, sir!" shouted Remus with a quick salute.

"James, there are only a few of us here." stated Sirius

"Regulations require it." replied Remus with mock indignation. 

"Remus is right," said James, "It may be that all of us aren't all here."

Peter raised his hand. "I say we take the roll and if anyone isn't here they're probably somewhere else."

The others nodded in agreement and proceeded to pack up their wagon.

God help them all.

They had sung every sailor shanty, church song, popular song both Muggle and magic in the first few hours of the trip. It was Sirius's turn to sing a song. And he couldn't think of one. Spotting Patsy he was inspired to do an improve song.

"How about the "Song of the Cebu'?" he suggested

"How does it go?" asked James.

"Just repeat what I sing."

"This is the story of a boy. This is a story about a boy and his Cebu. This is a story about a boy and his three Cebu."

_Cebu!_

_Cebu!_

_Boy is riding in canoe_

_Into town with his Cebu_

_Sick Cebu is rowing and sneezing_

_Achoo moo moo_

_Achoo moo moo_

_Achoo moo moo_

_Moo moo_

_Cebu!_

_Cebu!_

_Hippo chewing on bamboo_

_Can't see boy and three Cebu_

_Sad Cebu is rowing and crying_

_Boo-hoo moo moo_

_Boo-hoo moo moo_

_Boo-hoo moo moo_

_Moo moo._

_Cebu! _

_Cebu!_

_Achoo moo_

_Boo-hoo moo moo_

_Boo-hoo moo moo_

_Achoo moo moo_

_Achoo moo_

_Boo-hoo moo moo_

_Cebu!_

_ Cebu!_

_Cebu!_

_Hippo seen by mute Cebu_

_Tries to warn the other two_

_Mute Cebu is grunting and waving_

_Mmmm_

_Mmmm_

_Mmmm_

_Mmmm_

_Mm!_

"That's it I guess." Sirius sighed

"Wait just a minute!" Lily had just woken up. "You _can't_ just _leave_ it there! Is the mute Cebu successful in his attempt to inform his companions of the impending danger? Is the boy all right? Is the canoe wood or aluminum? Why is the sad Cebu sad? What exactly is a Cebu anyway?"

"Umm, it's kind of like a cow." Sirius said.

"I expected better from you Sirius."

Well, _that_ just pissed Sirius off. He decided to add one more verse,

_No more song about Cebu_

_Need another verse or two_

_Audience is standing and leaving_

_Bye-Bye moo moo_

_Bye-Bye moo moo_

_Bye-Bye moo moo _

Moo moo 


	8. The Chapter in which an unxepected visit

After a week of relatively slow process, Sirius was getting fussy and every five minutes he would take the opportunity to ask Lily the age-old travel question, "Are we there yet?" It took three days for Lily to get fed up with him.

"For the love of God almighty, Sirius! We are not there yet!" she cried.

"Well, _I'm_ running out of patience." said Sirius in an attempt to defend himself.

"I've got plenty." Lily said cheerfully "Feel free to borrow some."

"Well, now we know why you're a Gryffindor—" James began. 

"Besides the fact that Black is an arrogant, Muggle-loving dolt."

Sirius knew that voice, but how the bloody hell did he get there?

"Snape! How the bloody hell did you get here?"

Yes, boys and girls, Severus Snape was also stuck in the 19th century with our hapless heroes—

"We're right here, you know!" Sirius shouted to the heavens. 

"James, is it just me, or is Sirius making less sense than usual." asked Remus.

"It's just you, Remus."

As I was saying, Snape was looking more ridiculous than usual. His Hogwarts robes, pants and matching sweater vest, which he cherished, had been replaced by deer hide pants and jacket, with fringe on it. A cowboy hat topped his greasy head and it turned out he was riding through the desert a on a horse with no name. 

"Wait a minute, you guys," Remus said to the other Marauders, his eyes going wide. "You remember how we got here?"

Sirius, James, Lily, and Remus began to snicker. In a few minutes the entire class was doubled over laughing.

"Snape did the Time Warp…again!" James sang. Snape went a beautiful shade of crimson as the laughter increased. 

"Well, do any of you brilliant Gryffindors have a plan to get out of here?"

"Actually, we do." 

Snape rolled his eyes. "_What is it then_?"

"Sevvie, we have been charged, by the almighty god of potatoes, to travel west to Idaho. I am the leader of the Society of Pink Ponies and Yellow Smiling Marmosets Who Prance Through the Fields of Joyous Tulips. There, in Idaho we shall set up our commune, which shall be called Fort Buttercup. There, we shall prance around in fields of joyous tulips with pink ponies and yellow smiling marmosets. PRAISE BE TO DIMLOEP-SUUM, THE GOD OF POTATOES, WHO WILL LEAD US TO OUR HOME AT LAST! HE HAS EVEN SENT THE GREASE MONKEY BEFORE US AS A SIGN THAT WE MUST HAVE SHAMPOO AND PRACTICE GOOD HYGIENE!" 

"Yeah," Remus assured him, " You can come along. 

"If we left you, who else would there be for me to piss off." He put his arm around Snape. 

"Gee, your selfless Siri."

"I'd miss my Sevviekins desperately."

"Awwwwww." chorused the other students.

"It's a Kodak moment." sighed Lily.

Sirius let go of Snape, clasped his hands together. "I think it's time for a song!"

Snape had yet to learn the horror of Sing-a-longs with Sirius. 

"What shall it be my greasy-haired companion?"


	9. The Chapter some would rather forget

Later that evening…

Sirius was bored…and alone…at night.

Not a good combination. Sneaking out from camp he meandered about until something hard made him fall on his bum.

"Who's there?" two voices asked.

"Remus? Snape? What the bloody hell are you two doing out here?"

"_Lumos_."

Remus lit his wand. They squinted from the sudden light.

"That's better. Severus here was afraid to relieve himself out here in the wilderness so I came with him."

Snape muttered darkly under his breath. 

"Come again Snape. I didn't catch that?"

"Lupin only agreed to accompany me on one condition. I sell him my soul."

Sirius blinked rapidly. "I'd be lying if I said I understood that."

"We best start back now..." Remus began.

"No Remus. I found something very interesting." Sirius said, amusement in his voice.

"See!"

Remus and Snape had been lead down a narrow path to a field. Dozens of happy Holstein cows slept or grazed lazily. Sirius was beside himself with glee. His companions failed to see what was so important.

"They're cows, Black. I should hope you have a basic understanding of farm animals by thirteen."

"They're not just ordinary cows."

"They're Holstein cows." Remus observed. Then it hit him! "No Sirius. Leave the poor animals alone."

"I can't Remus. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity…Cow tipping."

Snape seemed mildly interested. "How dose one tip a cow?"

"First, you have to run, skip, and prance around the chosen cow. You know, to assess its height, weight, and calculate how hard you have to push. You have to 'moo' at the same time—"

"So the cows don't get wise." Remus stated matter-of-factly.

"—and when I tell you, start to chant 'happy, happy Holsteins'"

"I don't believe you."

"Trust me Snape. I wouldn't lie about something like this."

"It's a never-fail method. Guaranteed to knock 'em down." chorused Remus.

Snape set off at a jog toward a cow. He sped up as he approached. And there, in the dark, Severus Snape was running around like a chicken with its head cut off around a happy Holstein cow.

"Moooooooooo! Moooooooooooo!"

"I wish I had my camera." Sirius thought.

A light from above catches Remus' and Sirius' attention. A camera is slowly lowered from the sky.

"Thank you." Sirius called to the heavens. "Start to chant Snape!"

"Happy, happy Holsteins! Happy, happy Holsteins! Happy, happy Holsteins!"

"Now push."

With a mighty battle cry Snape charged at the unsuspecting bovine. Unfortunately the cow was heavier than he supposed. He smacked into the side of the cow and fell into a cow pie.

Remus and Sirius took dozens of snapshots of Snape. "Excellent blackmail Sirius." Remus said as he watched Snape's still form being licked.

"Blackmail is wrong and dishonest Remus." said Sirius with feigned anger.

"In other words, you're all for it."

"Exactly." 


	10. The Chapter of unwelcome realizations

 The sun (or evil yellow day moon, whichever you prefer) hoisted itself over the horizon. Snape felt something tickling him on his face, something wet. 

"Probably Lucius' blasted cat," he thought, "Damn the fluffy creature."

He opened his eyes, expecting to see his familiar dormitory and hear his roommates snoring away. Lucius' tabby cat, Jasper, kneading at the foot of his bed. Much to Sevvie's disappointment he came face to face not with the kitty cat as previously stated, but a stinky, Holstein cow…and it was licking his face.

"Oh God!" he spat as he scrambled to his feet. He frantically to remove the cow spit from his face. When he saw his clothes he uttered a stream of curses that would have made a sailor blush. What a filthy mouth our Sevvie has.

"It wasn't a dream! It wasn't some sick, twisted dream. Now I'm stuck here with Potter and Black and the rest of their little Gryffindor gang! I'm going to get my revenge on that— wait, look at me. I'm talking to a cow."

With this Snape stomped off to find his nemesis whit out so much as a "farewell" to the cows.

He returned to find  Peter and Remus in a heated debate on Peter's future career.

"How about Peter Pettigrew's Pointless Pub for the Perpetually Pissed? Try and top that!"

"Peter Patrick Pettigrew's  Purple Pub for Perpetually Pissed People, Pancakes , and Portly Popes."

Snape turned away, not really caring much for alliteration contests, an evil beyond anything he knew.

***

James gone off to *ahem* relieve himself and was heading back toward the wagon train. The only sound was the chirping of songbirds and James had a song in his heart.

"Ooo heaven is a place on Earth!" he sang.

"The kingdom of heaven awaits those who are pious and good."

James froze. Someone had heard him sing…someone that shouldn't have. He searched around until he found the mysterious person. It was a man, dressed in a white suit, clutching a book in one hand and a pistol in the other. With his white hair and moustache, he had a sort of Colonel Sanders look about him. Well, there were only two things that frightened James Ryan Potter. The first was mimes. It had looked a bit silly in his first Defense Against the Dark Arts Class when a mime materialized in the middle of the classroom. Somehow it didn't quite fit in with Lily's snake, Peter's Grim Reaper, or Sirius's Dementor. The other was gun-slinging bible salesmen. Okay, it wasn't, but you have to admit it was a bit of a nasty shock to see one. James would have been fine if he had just stayed put, but no, he just had to come over.

"I'm Vincent Thomas Milton Bartlet, IV from the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Hope in Javert, Louisiana .I'm here to preach the word of the Almighty God who reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power and love! I encourage everyone I meet to head His call of service and praise! Our God is an Awesome God." 

James began to back away slowly. "Umm…I'm happy with my current religion thanks. Really, the Church of England is just peachy keen." 

"Now, give me a chance here—"

Now, there was only one way to rid himself of the zealot. Run. Not walk. Run! And James did just that. Unfortunately he was followed by Mr. Bartlet. He followed James back to camp, knocking things over. Snape, who had returned, much to the disdain of the others, sat in silence as the strange scene unfolded like a travel agency map.

Sirius was having his morning coffee. Nobody and no thing came between them. James was smart enough to leap over the pot of coffee that sat nests to the fire. Mr. Bartlet was not so quick and he would suffer the consequences.

"Well—I—I'm awful sorry there. Didn't mean to spill your coffee there sir." he stuttered.

Sirius was enraged. This man, this man who looked like he'd fallen out of a KFC commercial had ruined his precious elixir of life and he was "Awful sorry." Well, that didn't cut it. Little puffs of smoke were coming out of his ears.

"You filthy mortal! You have destroyed the scared beverage of Geshom-Patt, the Chosen One of Dimeloep-Suum!" Remus shouted. 

"This man is speaks blasphemy against our Leader. We shall make him pay!" James yelled, raising his fist in a revolutionary gesture.

*****

Vincent Bartlet had to have the worst luck of any man on the face of God's green Earth.

He had been walking along, minding his own business, trying to convert a pioneer or two and now he was being held hostage by six angry British children. Snape, who never missed an opportunity for some Muggle torture had tied the zealot to a tree. Lily had painted his face with a mixture of natural products and lipstick. Sirius, James, Remus, and Lily had sat atop oxen. James found a small rock wedged in his shoe and threw it, aiming for the tree where Vincent was bound. 

Sirius addressed him first. "You have offended Dimeloep-Suum, the most honorable god of potatoes. We, his most faithful followers and demi-gods, must punish you greatly for this insult. I speak here with His voice for I am Geshom-Patt, the god of baked goods, the arts, and loud things that go "Boom". The grease monkey over there is his prophet Sevvie-Cowluv.

Remus cleared his throat. "I am Ogenki Desker, I am the god of dairy products, physicians, and ping-pong."

"I am the god of flight, entrepreneurs, kiosks, and door-to-door sales men. All praise me, Jester McLaper." cried James.

Vincent realized that his captors were either possessed or savages. Possibly both. They were going to sacrifice him to their god. He would die a martyr in the wilderness and later, school children would learn of him in history books and watch animated films, retelling his tragic tale. Perhaps Stephen Spielberg would make an award winning film staring Daniel Day-Lewis and Robert Duval…actually, that's not a bad thing when you look at it.

No, the Gryffindors did not sacrifice him, instead they untied him and retold the tale of Dimeloep-Suum. They commanded him to preach the Retabob, the story of the Sirius religion. They watched him walk off through the forest. The others had left for dinner leaving only Sirius alone. Sirius walked off into the sunset and he ran straight into it.

"Literary devices are evil Amanda, you know that." said Sirius, pointing an accusing finger at the sky.

Day came, and night fell and thus ended the tenth chapter.


	11. The Chapter to end all chapters

Sirius and James sat side-by-side guiding the motley band through the plains of Nebraska. They glanced at the fields of corn and wheat that seemed to stretch on forever. At first it was quite relaxing, watching the amber stalks bend in the breeze. By mid afternoon, James was losing his patience.

"I don't think I can take this much longer." he said.

"Take what much longer?" Sirius asked.

"The scenery. It gives me the creeps."

"Yes James, I can easily how grain can strike fear into the heat of even the most courageous man."

James looked slightly embarrassed. "No," he said, "It's just that, well, it doesn't seem like were getting very far and after a while it starts to play with your mind."

Sirius' proverbial light bulb went off. "Oh, I see. I get that feeling with the ocean. You stare at it and find yourself asking questions you wouldn't otherwise have imagined. You wonder why were alive." 

"And what is it like to die?'"

"And why do we spend all the time in between wearing digital watches?"

They went on like this for some time until James voiced the question that had been nagging him for quite a while.

"Are we ever going to get home?"

Sirius frowned slightly. "I don't know. There has to be a way back."

"No there doesn't _have_ to be a way, you know that." James said. "There's no written rule stating that when one performs a time-traveling spell unintentionally there is a counter spell."

"You name me one irreversible spell." said Sirius.

"Avada Kedavra."

" Point taken, but I'm convinced there is a way. We got here because I sang that song. There's a rule in physics, "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". Am I right?"

James nodded. "Well," he continued, "it's kind of like that. If we do one thing, it has to undo it's self."

It was James' turn to have his light bulb turn on. "So all we have to do—"

"Is sing "The Time Warp"—"

"And we'll be right back were we left off—"

"It's simple—" 

"It's easy—"

"And it just might work!"

*Some time later*

"Remus!"

Sirius and James raced over to their fair-haired companion. They told him their plan to get back home he looked at them before turning back to his apple. 

"Took you long enough." he said taking a bite.

"You knew! You knew all along and you never told me!"

"Of course I knew. It was the only logical solution." 

James and Sirius sat down while Remus finished his snack. He threw his apple away, aiming at Snape. "Sirius, you know all the part for the song right?" he said as the apple collided with Snape's unprotected backside.

"Sure I do," Sirius said. "There's Riff-Raff, Magenta, the narrator, Columbia, and everyone else. The lyrics are simple enough."

The group was gathered together. It was decided that Lily and Sirius would be singing with a reluctant Remus and Peter while Snape and James would join the others in singing the chorus part (James had to hold an unloaded pistol to his head to get him to follow the dance moves). After a brief run through, they were ready.

"I take it we have to do this a-capella?" Lily asked Sirius.

"Looks that way. Ready?"

Sirius:

It's astounding

Time is fleeting

Madness takes its toll

But listen closely

Lily:

Not for very much longer

Sirius:

I've got to- keep cool

I remember doing the time warp 

Drinking those moments when 

The blackness would hit me

Lily and Sirius:

And the void would be calling

All:

Let's do the time warp again

Let's do the time warp again

Remus:

It's just a jump to the left

All:

And a step to the right

Remus:

With your hands on your hips

All:

You bring your knees in tight

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane

Let's do the time warp again

Let's do the time warp again

Lily:

It's so dreamy

Oh fantasy free me

So you can't see me, no not at all

In another dimension

With voyeuristic intension

Well secluded, I see all. 

Sirius:

With a bit of a mind flip 

You're into the time slip. 

And nothing can ever be the same. 

You're spaced out on sensation. 

LIKE YOU'RE UNDER SEDATION!

All:

Let's do the time warp again. 

Let's do the time warp again. 

Peter:

Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think 

When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. 

He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise. 

He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes. 

He stared at me and I felt a change. 

Time meant nothing, never would again. 

All:

Let's do the time warp again. 

Let's do the time warp again. 

Remus:

It's just a jump to the left

All:

And a step to the right

Remus:

With your hands on your hips

All:

You bring your knees in tight

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane

Let's do the time warp again

Let's do the time warp again!

With a pop they disappeared. The next day a man and his family stumbled upon the abandoned wagons. Well, needless to say. He wanted to take everything, but sadly he could only take a mirror and ten pounds of bacon. The rest was left for another game.

Well, back to out hapless heroes…

Perhaps it was due to James's poor falsetto or Snape's unenthusiastic pelvic thrust, but they kept reappearing in different periods of history in different countries. They traveled through Louis Napoleon Bonaparte's coronation ceremony, the Battle of Gettysburg, and the first meeting of the Indian National Congress before they arrived back in class, at the exact moment after they had disappeared. 

And Professor Bins was _still _talking.

Figures.


	12. The Chapter in which it happens again

It was agreed that the entire incident would never be spoken of ever again. But one day….

September 1, 1996

Harry Potter sat in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express with Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. The trio was energetically relating the events of the summer. They were later joined by the members of their disbanded "Dumbledore's Army". Dean Thomas was raving about a movie he had seen over the summer.

_The Rocky Horror Picture Show_.

"There's the best song in it. It's called the Time Warp."

"Well, let's hear it Dean."

_You bring your knees in tight___

_But it's the pelvic thrust___

_That really drives you insane___

_Let's do the time warp again___

_Let's do the time warp again!_

And with that rousing chorus, they were gone.


	13. The Chapter that really isn't

Okay. It's not really a chapter. Yep. That's all she wrote…for now. 

Thanks to all who reviewed. Well…I think you're all just spiffy, guys. Really spiffy.

just a gurl Kiana 

**Kat**

**Karen**

**whitney**

**Quoth the Raven**

**WildWitch**

**silver fire**

**Evie**

**Kirinki**

**Trisana Moonstream Granger**

**Emerald Bijou**

**The Golden Snitch**

**Prongs & Padfoot**

**Sierra White**

**biblehermione**

**SarWolf Snape**

**cathykcool**

**Jazzy Jeff**

**Twist**

**ChichiX**

**Narcasara**

**Ladyhawk/Pache**

**PADFOOT**

**PH34R M3**

**Kris**

**Angel Black**

**Tarawyn**

**Hawkins**

**Angel c.c.m**

**Grania/Grania the fire witch**

**Endriago Luna**

**Anna Black**

**Caryn**

**Padfoot**

**DeadFishAndersonOfDeathandDoom**

**Lily of the Valley**

**Elektra**

**Wolfie Jr.**

**metatronis**

**Ariel**

**Jay Black**

**Ariana Black**

**False Dusk**

**DorfsandNab4eva**

**Slytherin Gal (Malfoy's Pal**

**squasha ******

Storm 

**Abigail Nicole**

**Pyro**

**Naomi SilverWolf**

**I r8ped Riddle**

**And all the rest!**

***bows***


End file.
